On Giving Up Self-Sabotage for Lent

One thing about the way I grew up that I’m only just now realizing wasn’t… “normal” is that while my family was very involved in our church, which was part of an extremely niche reformed denomination with a HUGE emphasis on not just studying the systematic theology but being able to absolutely slaughter any opponent in any kind of debate on even the most obscure theological points, I actually have exactly zero experience with the traditional Church Calendar.

Like, yes we did celebrate Christmas and Easter Sunday, but those services weren’t really special or different, and… that’s it. Things like Holy Week and Advent? I had heard of them but never observed them, and while I can’t remember any detailed arguments against them, I do think that there was some kind of theological stance, not just on why they weren’t important but possibly also why doing so was bad.

I should probably also mention that I definitely grew up in a cult. Please take everything I say with a grain of salt and an awareness that this was a very specific situation, and understand that very little that I say on this topic reflects Christianity as a whole.

It was an EXTREMELY religion-heavy environment, but there was no anchor in Church history or repeating traditions (or emotion, or mysticism). I’m realizing NOW that those things typically go hand in hand, but I need you guys to understand that even though I grew up VERY “in the church” with all of the homeschooled youth group multiple services a week, what I am going to say next is going to sound very, very ignorant:

On February 13, my kids started up their Yoto player (affiliate link) to listen to the Yoto Daily podcast and we learned about Shrove Tuesday, which, I need to reiterate: I had just heard about for the first time (the podcast is produced in England to a primarily English audience, so the focus was on the pancakes). Being the incredibly homeschooled family that we are (this is one part of my upbringing that felt worth repeating, but that’s a story for a different day), we made pancakes for lunch.

This mundane moment of modeling lifelong learning prompted some questions about my relationship with the divine, and as I pondered over them something I had never considered came to mind: maybe the hollow, empty feeling that religious observance had always had for me was not something wrong with ME, but a product of the environment I was raised in.

And then I had a bit of a spiritual revelation, an opportunity for rebellion, if you will. What if I, after eating these pancakes on Shrove Tuesday, decided to observe Lent? We can pause to appreciate the irony that observing Lent for the first time in my life felt like an act of spiritual rebellion.

That day, after exactly zero deliberation, I decided to give up self-sabotage for Lent.

Yes, I am fully aware of how much this does not sound like a Lent-y thing to give up, but hear me out: self-sabotage is the security blanket that keeps me from doing the things that I know that I’m meant to do. Well, I’m not super solid on what I’m actually meant to do, but something I am extremely solid on is that my habit of self-sabotage does keep me from doing THINGS in general, whether or not they are THE thing that I’m meant to do. Self-sabotage is a trauma response that helps me keep myself safe from the unknown potential of… not self-sabotaging.

I’d gotten through enough therapy and journaling and self care and all the things to realize that while yes, self-sabotage kept me safe when I was in an abusive marriage, where success in anything could put me in actual danger if it threatened my then-husband’s ego, I don’t need it anymore.

But it feels easier to keep doing it, because letting go of it would mean confronting the absolutely terrifying unknown of… what am I actually capable of if I’m not boxing myself into artificial limits? It would mean admitting that I actually have no idea what I am capable of doing, so I don’t even know for certain that I’m… doing my actual best.

So… maybe actually it does feel like a very Lent-y thing to sacrifice and meditate on for forty days.

Here is a non-exhaustive list of things that I managed to do, just because I dedicated a few weeks to… not giving into the urge to tell myself I can’t, to make myself small, to keep myself safe. Basically, every time I ran into an “maybe I could do this”, instead of letting that thought win, I just… went for it. And by the end of it I had…

Finished my Affirmation Card download, and wrote a blog post about it.
Submitted my first article query.
Applied for my first feature on someone else’s website.
Went completely unfiltered and unmasked on Threads.
Didn’t let our busy schedule and my lack of childcare stop me from taking myself on writing dates by using Tom Sawyer Island as my co-working space with included childcare.
Outlined an entire cookbook.
Published another blog post and put up some product listings to go with it.
Wrote some good email newsletters.
Submitted another article query.
Made a new resume and applied for some jobs that were in alignment with my immediate needs AND long term goals.
Dove deeper into advocating for my son and increasing his disability services.
Fixed a clogged kitchen sink all by myself.
Paid off the final balance on the credit card debt my ex stuck me with in my divorce.
Finished three classes for my Bachelors degree.
Outlined my blog post strategy for the rest of the year.
Made 550 pin packs for the Craftcation goodie bag.
Got out my sewing machine for the first time in MONTHS.
Applied for (and was accepted into) an actually relevant affiliate program.
Re-ignited my commitment to a lower-consumption lifestyle.
Made a doctor’s appointment to get a prescription for migraine medicine.
Started a daily stretching practice.
Designed my first print-on-demand products.
Committed to taking the extra ten minutes to get DRESSED every day.
Turned a failed collaboration from last year into a new journaling prompt PDF for you.

Obviously, it’s not a short list (and keep in mind I was doing all of these things in the midst of 100% parenting/homeschooling/household responsibilities and my business and my internship). The takeaways have not been small either.

Early in the process I had to have a reckoning about how much I had been NOT working on developing myself as a writer specifically because of my aversion to being visible. And on a similar vein, I was STARTING projects and SAVING applications but not finishing and submitting them because… I wasn’t sure I had them PERFECT yet.

THIS was the self-serving behavior that I had to stop: giving myself the option to “fail” at things that I didn’t really even wholeheartedly DO in the first place. But giving myself the permission to do them imperfectly, afraid, not 100% sure on how the end product would turn out? A complete game changer.

Did I have some incredible results and make my life do a 180 and be completely perfect now? No, and, that really wasn’t the point of any of it. But I did have some really incredible insights, like:

Things don’t have to be 100% figured out from beginning to end to just try them out.
Working with what you have from where you are NOW is totally fine.
There is literally no consequence to sending a query or application, the worst that can happen is they ignore it or say no.
I CAN get big things done EVEN WITH the crazy constraints in my life.
All of the pieces that I need for the life I want to live are here, the work is on putting them together, not trying to find more or better pieces.
Baby steps DO become forward motion, I’m not going to be stuck here forever.
It is totally, completely safe for me to show up as my biggest, loudest, most me-est me and succeed at whatever I do.

Officially, Lent has been over for a couple of days, but the freedom and growth that came from sacrificing my security blanket of self-sabotage is something that I hope never ends.